Around 3pm yesterday the ‘black wave’ hit.
I felt pretty good for most the morning. I’d written my blog, cleaned the kitchen, put the shopping away. Spent some happy time playing with the boys. Physically I felt okay and had even made a ‘soft’ promise* to try and eat healthily throughout the day.
I’d just returned from a little trip to the shops with my youngest when I started to feel tired. Bone tired all of a sudden. I know it was the ‘depression style’ tired as my motivation vanished. The internal verbal brain battles that had quieted in the morning returned with a vengeance. I just wanted to crawl into bed, sleep and leave everything else behind for a while.
I can’t hide though. I can’t go to bed and can’t shut everything out, even for a day. I have too many responsibilities to my wife, children and job. Especially now when all have been pretty patient with me in the past.
I’m not sure if it is a help or a hindrance to recovery. On the one hand everyone tells you to ‘keep busy’ but I was properly active from 8am to 10pm and thoroughly miserable for much of the day. Would a few days rest help? Or would my anxiety just increase for letting my responsibilities slip?
I just know this morning I am still tired and did not wake with the same motivation and mood as yesterday. I know life isn’t all sunshine and lollipops even when sober and well. But I remember it being a lot better than this.
Still, I must remember I didn’t drink yesterday and I KNOW this will pass eventually. Yet understanding this doesn’t make it less of a horror show in the moment…
Tldr: Get through the day without drinking any way you can.
* Soft Promise: I realised through my last sobriety period that I can’t make any ‘hard’ promises to myself in the first few weeks other than ‘do not drink’. Trying to exercise/diet and change all my habits at once just does not work as if I fail in one I tend to fail in them all…