Sitting in the kids pool contemplating…

Sitting in the kids pool contemplating…

So, the holiday went well. The kids had a great time and it was good for me to take a little down time from work and the house.

As far as drinking is concerned I was frustrated with myself. Yes, I did drink. A couple of pints on Saturday and Sunday night. Although at first I didn’t crave or want them necessarily I still said yes when offered. At one point my foolish brain was considering leaving the family for a bit and sneakily getting more. My drinking with my friends and family was more out of a need to feel normal than to get drunk. Normal people can have a couple of drinks and enjoy themselves without the need to keep going to maintain the buzz. Then again, I suppose I’m not normal…

From experience I know the first week or two of sobriety for me is about waiting for my brain chemistry to settle down. I get anxious, snappy and quite depressed at times. I have to keep mentally telling myself it will pass and it will get better soon. Again, it is that tiring mental fight with myself. Losing means relapse and back to square one.

On holiday I was sat in the shallow section of the kids pool (see pic above!) watching my youngest play. Fat belly poking out of the water while almost in tears from the violent verbal UFC fight my mind was having with itself. Wracked with general anxiety and depression at my current situation. What a ludicrous low point on a long list of ridiculous troughs on this alcohol wave.

The fight doesn’t end quickly either. Even this morning my brain was trying to make arrangements to drink when I thought of the boring jobs and tasks ahead of me today.

The good news is when you stop drinking the future shows up to say hello. You start to make plans in your head. Short term and long term goals, that were invisible before, seem to shift in the haze as you try to focus and pin them down. Although they seem like ectoplasmic* apparitions,  at least they are there now.

Tldr: Brain chemistry can take a week or two to settle: Hang on in there!

* Can you tell I listened to the ‘Ghostbusters’ DVD the boys were watching on the 3.5 hour drive to Devon? Auto correct tells me ‘ectoplasmic’ is not a word. Tell that to Egon.


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